Connection Series Part 3: Connection to Others
Today, we’re bringing the Connection Series to a close with Part 3: Connection to Others. We’ll talk about our evolutionary history as a species with social connections, a bit more about Connection to Self and its impact on connection to others, and we’ll round it out with a discussion on the impacts of loneliness, finishing up with a few tools and tips for fostering greater and deeper connection to the humans around you.
The commonly heard phrase “it takes a village to raise a child” is originally an African proverb, a nod to the fact that raising a child is both a tremendous amount of work, but also is an undertaking that, in the interest of the health of both parents and child, is achieved through community efforts. A human child is born utterly helpless, and in our ancestral environment it was absolutely essential for the survival of infants that we have more than just two adults to care for the baby. A community environment allows a child to have multiple sets of adult masculine and feminine influences, and it creates a safe and supportive environment for children to thrive and flourish. The environment in which humans evolved was one in which we were constantly surrounded by and connected to one another. We depended on each other for both individual and group survival. We were inextricably linked together, with deep social and familial bonds that lasted a lifetime.
Recently, a client of mine came back from a visit to Tanzania, and he was struck most by the communal way in which they existed. He exclaimed that by Western standards these people have absolutely nothing, yet they were the happiest and most friendly people he has ever had the pleasure of meeting. In the Western world, we have gone the opposite direction of our ancestors, becoming entirely bamboozled by the idea that it is “survival of the fittest” and it’s “every man for himself”, when in reality it has always been our community that makes us the most successful species on Earth. This delusion of separation and obsession with individualization has led us to a place where we are willingly isolated, afraid, and alone. I often hear people say, “it’s just human nature to be selfish, greedy, self-absorbed, cruel, short-sighted, evil, etc.”. But, why? All of the behaviors they are referring to are a symptom of a fundamental disconnection with Self and with Nature. If we were connected to our natural environment, if we were connected with ourselves, would we feel compelled to exhibit any of those behaviors?
The Roots of Loneliness project conducted surveys on Americans, finding that 52% of Americans felt lonely, 47% of Americans reported that the relationships they have with others are not meaningful, and, single or not, 57% of Americans report eating all meals alone. Only 59% of Americans reported having a best friend and 12% reported they feel they have no close friends at all. To round it out, 58% of Americans reported that they sometimes or always feel as though no one knows them well. Professors Tim Smith and Juliane Holt-Lunstad of BYU conducted loneliness research, concluding that loneliness poses the same risk of death as smoking 15 cigarettes per day or being an alcoholic.
We have mistaken the idea that the behaviors promoted by our culture, which is a product of disconnection from nature and ourselves, are the biological norms. In our society, the biological norms of humans have become social extremes. This has created an immense amount of chronic stress, which is why the impacts of loneliness are so detrimental. Our nervous system is acutely programmed by our evolution to realize the threat of being alone, and it creates a state of chronic up-regulation and stress when we feel alone. The long term health effects of chronic stress are well known, including (but not limited to): chronic fatigue, brain fog, metabolic dysregulation, gut dysbiosis, systemic inflammation, metabolic disease (diabetes), and CVD (heart disease). This obviously says nothing of the psychological impacts of loneliness and isolation, which I believe speak for themselves, seeing as the worst punishment (death penalty aside) one can receive from the American Judicial System is solitary confinement.
Let’s reframe loneliness: it’s a signal from your Self that the social connections you have aren’t meeting your social needs. We talk at length about meeting our physical needs through food, movement, hydration, etc. We must also include our social needs in the conversation of wellness, acknowledging and making time and space to meet our need for social connection through whatever means we find fulfilling.
The following are a few tips from my personal journey in social connection, however I also urge you to explore social connections in ways that feel true to you, as this list is far from exhaustive:
Make time every day for a phone call with someone you care about. 5-10 minutes is all it takes to call someone you care about and check in with them. This can leave the both of you feeling seen, heard, and cared about, even if from afar
Connect in real life. Don’t confuse connections on the Internet for the real thing. When you hug somebody, your brain releases oxytocin, sending a wave of calm through you, decreasing your cortisol levels. Touch deactivates the part of your brain that responds to threats and lowers cortisol levels, so don’t be stingy with your hugs!
Listen to Understand, not to respond. There are few conversations more frustrating and off-putting than ones where you feel as though somebody isn’t actually listening to you. Offer others the same that you would want: listen, and I mean really listen, to what somebody is saying to you in an attempt to understand them at a deeper level instead of trying to respond to what they are saying. Pay full attention to everything they are saying by using active listening. Your conversations will likely become much more connective and fulfilling if you understand who you’re talking to and what they are saying.
Be present. Show people you care about them by being fully present with them. In an age where our attention is constantly pulled in every direction possible at all times, give your entire presence to whomever you are with and to whatever you are doing together.
Connect with your Self in Solitude: Isolation is not the same as solitude. Solitude offers us a chance to quiet the noise and digest and reflect on the interactions we have had. Use this time to connect with your Self (see the Connection to Self blog for tools) and become comfortable sitting with yourself.
I have one final question to leave you with in contemplation of connection:
Do you feel as giving and connected to those around you as you would like to be?
With all my heart and precious time,
Noah
