Me vs Myself
Today I want to dive into my own personal experiences with what I refer to as the antihero: the voice inside our heads that is our equal and opposite in every way and is often our biggest barrier to success. I end with some tips to help turn this antihero into a positive force that you can use for personal growth and development!
Recently, I was at a breathwork event that featured intense breathwork followed by deep meditations. During one of these meditations, I was meditating on my mind as an entity that inhabits my body, and something profound occurred to me. There’s a bit of a backstory here, but stick with me, because there’s some real beauty on the other side.
My family lineage is overwhelmingly German, with over 75% of my DNA being traced back to Germanic peoples. I have spent a lot of time studying our heritage and the traditions of the Germanic tribes prior to their colonization by the Romans, as many of the traditions and cultural practices that were a part of their society were erased, forgotten, or assimilated when they were conquered by the Romans. There has been a movement lately of rediscovering these traditions and trying to understand, revive, and reclaim them in an attempt to heal some of the damage from millenia of colonialism and colonization. Through this process, I have come to understand a remarkable tradition among Germanic tribes during warfare which was very common during the Bronze and Iron Age known as Holmgang.
This practice is something that can be summed up with a German phrase: Mann gegen Mann. In English: Man against man. It’s a straightforward warfare practice that pits champion against champion, or in many cases it was used to settle disputes of many kinds, such as slander, betrayal, infidelity, etc. The tradition would hold that both men would either strip completely naked or have rules around what was worn, wielding only their weapons, and would fight to either surrender or death. Whoever won the duel would signify either the victor in battle or would determine the dispute ended, and the score would be settled without excessive bloodshed and casualties. What is relevant to our discussion is how this image of man against man occurred to me during my meditation and perfectly describes how I have felt in my brain for a very long time: it’s me vs myself. Mann gegen mann.
There is a concept pertaining to our discussion of the mind that is a very difficult obstacle: ourselves. So often, we are the biggest obstacle in our life. Think of it in terms of an antihero: there is a version of you that is your equal and opposite in every way; a perfectly matched foe in every aspect who knows your every move, every trick, and has a flawless counter to every attack you might launch at them. This antihero lives inside of your mind, and they are your biggest enemy that you will ever face to forward progress. During this meditation, I imagined myself confronting this antihero version of my mind. We were naked, sword and shield in hand, but for the first time in my life I embraced him. I held him in reverence, honor, and respect. I felt immense gratitude for all he had given me over the years, because without his challenge and his abilities, so much of my personal growth would have been stunted or never even occurred to begin with. I embraced him with a newfound respect that was in direct opposition to the resentment and anger I had felt for so long, and it gave me a newfound appreciation and respect for all he had to offer me. How easy it is to get lost in the dialogue in our heads, because it never stops running. There’s always something coming through the channel like a radio that can’t be turned off. Your mind always has something to say, and it’s not always particularly nice or positive dialogue, especially as it pertains to ourselves.
Where does this antihero come from? How do we all seemingly have this voice inside of us that wants to tear us down, make us feel horrible, and constantly say the most hurtful and degrading things to us? There are a few ideas surrounding the origin of this antihero that I feel explain it rather well. The first is that this antihero is of evolutionary benefit to us. Without a voice that tells us to conform to tribal norms and enables us to use theory of mind, we would potentially engage in behaviors that would jeopardize the safety of our tribe and subsequently the safety of our species. As homo sapien sapiens, our species needs our tribes to survive. A voice in our head that is designed to make it so that we adhere to tribal norms and expectations, consider others needs, feelings, and safety, and keep our species in cooperation is a remarkable evolutionary tool. That being said, in our modern civilization environment we no longer require this tool in the ways we once did, hence the antihero is born. The antihero is this same evolutionary tool filtered through all of our social programming, which is most likely why the antihero is so vicious and extreme: it is our subconscious social programming from our childhood paired with an evolutionary drive to fit in, be liked by others, have a place within the tribe, and adhere to the norms and expectations of the tribe. The extreme nature of the antihero comes from our social programming: we are taught from a young age to try to be perfect, to adhere to rules that are in direct opposition of our natural needs and behaviors, to compete with everyone else to be the Alpha, and to uphold beauty standards that are fleeting and endlessly unattainable.
I believe this understanding of the antihero offers us a window into how to make peace with it: we have a biological tool that is immensely powerful and beneficial to both ourselves and our species, however its energy has been misdirected. I have been using the following tools over recent weeks with my newfound understanding and appreciation of my own antihero:
Think about your own personal values. Write them down, if you like. What is of utmost importance to you? What are you striving for? What are your hopes, dreams, and ambitions?
Are these values in line with what you actually want, or are they what you have been told to want? Are they true to you? The antihero can be instrumental in helping to propel us towards our goals, but we must understand what we are striving for first if we are to use the antihero in a positive manner.
The antihero often uses and manipulates our fears into narratives that will keep us safe. Most of us are afraid of failure. We want to fit in, feel loved, accepted, like we belong, etc. Play with this perspective shift: write down some of your fears and consider how they are keeping you stuck or complacent. Who could you become if you leaned into the fear and challenged it? If you believed or acted in a way directly opposite to what the antihero tells you, what are the possibilities? Are those outcomes better or worse than the outcomes of staying complacent?
Write out some of the things you say to yourself about yourself in your head. Then, imagine saying them to somebody you love. Would you actually say them, or would they be so unbelievably hurtful that you would never actually say them? So, why say them to yourself?
Assess the narratives that these thoughts are based off of. Do these thoughts even align with your values? Do you really believe in what these thoughts are encouraging you or encouraging you not to do? Is this healthy for you? Do these thought patterns bring value to your life?
Everyone’s antihero is unique to them and their own personal experiences. The thread that remains constant is that it is always in direct opposition to the most beneficial expression of our true selves, no matter who we are. This does not inherently mean the antihero is bad or wrong or unhealthy: it is a phenomenal tool that drives our species towards safety, survival, and cooperation. The most positive expression of ourselves could not live without its direct equal and opposite, and the colliding of these energies inside of all of us makes us uniquely human. The biggest perspective shift I have found from my experiences with my antihero is that he is a guide for me of what to lean into. Whatever it is that I dream of, hope for, and desire that he challenges with fear, anxiety, worry, or self-doubt and insecurity is consistently the most beneficial to lean into and pursue, in direct opposition to what he says. Hopefully these tools give you some confidence and clarity to do the same!
With all my heart and precious time,
Noah
